I know this very well when I was studying Nursing in College. Yet it didn't sound as threatening as of the present that I am expecting my own child. Based on instinct itself, I can't help but watch videos to prepare myself of what should I do. Nightmares haunt me because of worrying too much not of the pain but because of hoping too much for the delivery of "my" baby to be safely and smoothly done. I understand that my baby will experience physical trauma as per vaginal birth and my prayers continue up to how the doctor would be facilitating the head twist for the rest of the shoulders and the body to be delivered. I worry that her gloves might be too slippery that she might drop the baby (which she did in my dream the other night - I woke up loudly crying and I remember so much the hurt I feel inside - oh yeah! Did I mention that was just a dream?). I worry about so many things with just that 15 minute drill for medical professionals of delivering the baby. (I know that's just how long it would take since I assisted when I was completing my hours to be a registered nurse in the Maternity and Obstetrics taking over more than 15 cases). And it made me realise one thing, that's how a mother is.
|my mom's graduation picture|
I always got crazy seeing my mom worry about so many things when I was young. I never grasped the idea of how she perceives the bigger picture of everything that she does (bringing alcamfor while on vacation, making me check if the gates are closed 3 times in one night before going to sleep, nagging about not wearing the seat belts when she drives us to school). I swear, I found it so annoying. Then now, I see myself becoming one. And as my younger sister and I talk about how she feels about having a baby too, she only stated this, "Jesse (her newly born son), just made my perception in life different already. The kind that makes me say to myself, "THIS IS NO JOKE ANYMORE!" Hahahaha!!!! And I totally agree with her.
Remember that time when your mom used to say, "Papunta ka pa lang, pabalik na ako!" (English translation: "You're still on your way, but I'm on my way back already!") ? This is a Filipino proverb that simply says, "BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!" I didn't understand that at first but whenever my mom sees me outsmarting her by saying, "Ma, I know what I 'm doing.", she'll always answer me this way. But like my dad, my mom TRUSTS me and I know that to my gut. She had seen me work hard on my own when it comes to earning money, getting things done and in choosing the right path. She has a say every now and then with my style in clothes (She is a fashionista alright and she loves shopping, which we never get along with.) but in general, she respects my uniqueness and knows that at the end of the day, it will never be a failure.
I'd like to share one of the most unforgettable moments of my life. It is about how God gave me my mom to me twice in my own life time. The first time time was when I was conceived, He had assured me of an angel that would bring me to life here on earth. And the second time was on my 18th birthday.
|an elf truck|
My mom is a very hard working woman. We owned a realty corporation and she and my dad owned the sole entrepreneurship of the said business. We owned an elf truck, the one that's big enough to transport sand, G.I. sheets or plywood to and from my mom's project houses - "lumber" stuff. So she was driving this one day to order materials. She was working on a demolition project that time for my upcoming debut (18th birthdays of daughters are always a big deal to Filipino moms). After the truck got loaded up, she was on her way back to the elf. She was crossing the road but Mayon Street (located in Manila) is high sloped and was a very busy street. There she had an unfortunate accident. She tried to avoid an approaching jeepney not knowing that there was an overtaking motorcycle on the blind side and she got hit. The impact threw her at the side of the street and she had hit the temporal side of her head right on the edge of the gutter. She was raced to the hospital that morning and as I got home noon that time from school, our helper had told me of what happened. I ran to Chinese General Hospital Emergency Room and I saw my mom laid down unconscious, not bleeding, with a lot of bruises on the face (very bad sign of head trauma). She had to stay in the hospital for observation and her condition progressed from just feeling dizzy the first time she woke up, up to not knowing who we were in just 1 day and a half. She had hematoma that prevents oxygen from going to the brain hence, the confusion and brain dysfunction. We were blessed that a neurosurgeon checked on my mom and upon ordering MRI scans, he had discovered that my mom only got 3 days if she wouldn't have the brain surgery to take the hematoma out. My dad was so confused that time and he had gone to other hospitals, a lot of doctors, for a second opinion, worried and helpless. Everybody else advised him the same thing. He was worried of how invasive the procedure is as explained since it would involve drilling into my mom's skull to extract the "clot" out. My family was in so much pain, most especially me, thinking that she was doing extra work for my birthday. My dad tried to explain to my mom who was nearly unconscious and was actually delirious already. He was hurt with the idea that he wants her to be better, he wants her to fight but him, having to sign in behalf of my mom because my mom's brain wasn't 100% efficient to make sound decisions was too much of a risk to take. It was a very scary time for us.
Why am I sharing this?
I want to emphasise how strong my mom is. She survived the operation. She fashioned a bald head during my birthday which we just had at home and I thought that was cool. My dad was able to buy the smallest "Lechon de Leche" and a serving of Palabok (good for 20 people) but thinking of the money we had spent on the operation, it was more than a blessing for me. I was surprised we were able to afford that in the first place. I believe there were more than 50 people who came to celebrate but I was in shock that we didn't run out of food. It was like the parable of the loaves and fishes where Jesus made a miracle of not running out of food for the people he preached to in the mountains. From my mom, staying alive, not having remarkable motor nor sensory skill affectation was a MIRACLE alone, plus how the little food we had during my birthday became enough for the people who came. Up until now, I cannot explain how that happened. I am just grateful of God giving my mom her second life as a present for me for my 18th birthday. No party could ever top that.
And now that I am a trimester away from being a mom, I would be on top of the world, if I would even be half of how strong my mom is. From carrying the 3 of us (my sisters and I) for 9 months each, giving birth to all, sustaining that care for us up until now even though we are miles apart, and all the sacrifices in between, I would like to honour my mom today that it's her day. Mothers and Fathers deserve more than a day I think. And yet, they are just given one each when they are more than willing to give the whole of their lives just to be with us.
|2012 - Mother's Day|
at Disneyland California
I will see you next year Ma!
To my sisters, Kaith and Khrista
and to all of you moms out there
who are the REAL superheroes of this universe,
may you be bestowed upon today
the unconditional LOVE that you give to your children;
may your day be bright and full of hope
as your pure hearts are the best sources of this;
and most of all, may you earn pride as breeders of the future generation
because if not for you, the world will never be a better place.
1. FATHER'S DAY TRIBUTE - a post about my Dad
2. AMY AND DEREK'S CONTEMPORARY - a touching dance by a lady who has a prosthetic leg
3. IT'S IN YOUR HANDS - sharing what I learned upon reaching my 30th year.